Where Darkness Meets Redemption: My Story of Depression
Soon enough, if it hasn’t been made apparent to you already, you’ll discover that each person has limits—a ceiling that can initially be heavily discouraging and frustrating.
Our Western culture particularly ingrains in us the idea that we can accomplish anything and be anybody. In a sense, that’s true, and the intentions behind such a message are good. However, there will come a point at which we cannot do something simply because we can’t.
And, before you despair, let me tell you that this is okay. It is okay to be human. There is goodness in accepting limits.
The Limit of Depression
A limitation I struggle with is seasonal depression. Every winter I find myself facing incredible mental and emotional hardship. Symptoms include difficulty concentrating, severely negative thinking, low motivation, high fatigue.
For so long I asked God, “Why is this always happening to me?” I faced crippling thoughts of weakness and inadequacy. It constantly affected my ability to function in school, in ministry, in everyday relationships.
But I have actually found this consistent state of darkness—this limit—to be something I’m thankful for. And it’s something I’ve learned to accept as a part of my broken humanity, scarred by sin, but hopeful in the hands of God.
Here are 7 gifts I’ve received from accepting depression in my life.
1. Depression brought me to faith in Jesus Christ.
The earliest indications that I struggled with depression occurred during high school, before I became a Christian. My inability to experience lasting joy forced me to question the deeper purpose of life and brought about a healthy skepticism for a life without God. I chased every pleasure imaginable to satisfy my deep canyon of depression. But then, knowing my need for genuine hope, I found unshakable joy in Jesus Christ my first year of college.
2. Depression built my strongest, closest relationships.
The past several winters, as much as I wanted to isolate myself, the pain of depression always became unbearable to the point that I would need to share my burdens with someone who would listen. The beautiful thing about this was that my vulnerability cultivated intimacy. Others became honest about their own struggles. My community kept loneliness at bay and gave me hope for recovery. Almost all of my closest friendships today were forged and refined in those dark times.
3. Depression provided personal inner healing.
Depression brought up the need to look back into unaddressed pain from early years. Through therapeutic intervention and the support of loved ones, I made peace with hard memories and gained closure regarding issues from my family of origin and previous life experiences.
Depression also helped me learn about myself. Part of the healing was a journey of self-discovery. I learned about my gifts, my personality, what makes me tick. The increased self-awareness gave me confidence to face the world and be myself.
4. Depression catalyzed my love for life as an adventure.
As part of my yearly bouts with winter depression and recovery, I was encouraged to seek out activities that would increase the feelings of pleasure found in life, keep me busy, and prevent me from isolating myself. This process chiseled me into a new person with an insatiable passion for life. I pursued weight lifting and long-distance running. I traveled all over the world. I developed a talent for cooking and baking.
Even more, I created a bucket list which I am actively crossing things off of at an alarming pace. (I’ve already gone bungee jumping and skydiving as well as hiked to the top of Half Dome in Yosemite National Park, just to share a few!)
5. Depression built into me a passion for helping hurting people.
Facing my own internal trials on a regular basis increased my compassion for the brokenhearted and the lost. Being in touch with my pain sharpened my senses to the hurts of people around me.
At my home church, I trained to be a Stephen Minister, skilled in being a listening presence for hurting members of the congregation who are going through a variety of hard life situations—things like divorce, grief, or unemployment. I can also look back and see how this passion propelled me to where I am today as a medical student, hoping to care for hurting people as a trusted future physician.
6. Depression refined my character.
God is more concerned about the person you become than the things you achieve. In my case, he used my depression to form in me Christlike qualities that will last. I learned perseverance in the face of scary odds. My ego was deflated and humility nurtured. By reconciling my own pains with the grace of God, I became more empathetic and learned to love others in the midst of their personal brokenness.
7. Depression invited me into a life of power through the gospel.
Being stuck in weakness as a depressed person, I was pushed relentlessly to press into Jesus even more. What gave me enough motivation and hope to just get through each day was the love of my Savior.
Moreover, my perseverance and unshakable pursuit of joy found in the gospel pointed to what it means to be a Christian and ended up inspiring every single person around me. They saw that if Jesus is more than enough for someone who’s depressed, he is more than enough for anyone going through any kind of suffering.
Jesus Was Human
Ultimately, we should accept our humanness and the discouraging limitations it involves because Jesus chose to be human. He chose to be limited in the flesh so that he could save us from destructive sin to a limitless love. In Philippians 2, the apostle Paul says this about Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
rather, he made himself nothing
by taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
by becoming obedient to death—
even death on a cross! (vv. 6-8)
I don’t know what your limits may be—maybe a physical disability, a tough financial situation, or something completely different. My own seasonal depression will require long-term medication and therapy. But I do know this: my limit may last a lifetime, but the grace of my Lord Jesus Christ lasts for eternity.
Keith is a medical student at the West Virginia School of Osteopathic Medicine. He calls the San Francisco Bay area his home and is an InterVarsity alumnus from the University of California, Davis.
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