Leadership in Relationships

Cara and I had been dating for six months. Now, it seemed natural to search for new and more meaningful ways to express our deep love for one another. Mere hugs would not do; all friends hug each other to show their affection. And it needed to be more than just holding hands, because couples who first start dating do that. No, we needed to have longer hugs, longer kisses, and a gentle touch to show each other just how much the other meant. The obvious question was, “Who will make the first move to go further?” but the better question would have been, “Who will take the lead in keeping us pure?”

So what does a dating relationship have to do with leadership? Most of us really want to be spiritual leaders in our families, relationships, ministries and jobs. True leadership must show up in any close relationship. If leadership is not evident in a situation like the one I described above, then there most likely is not a genuine leader involved.

While Christians may recognize the need for leadership, few are willing to truly commit themselves to the task. It’s like the pig and chicken talking out in the farmyard one afternoon. In the middle of their pleasant conversation, they heard the farmer’s wife say, “Honey, would you get what I need to make a good breakfast in the morning?” Realizing that a typical breakfast would include bacon and eggs, the pig was distraught. “Well, chicken, it was nice being able to talk with you.” The chicken replied, “What are you worried about? It’s just breakfast.” The pig explained, “Look, being a part of breakfast may be a token offering for you, but for me it’s a major commitment!”

Leadership is a high commitment and calling. In 1 Timothy 3:1 we see that “if anyone sets his heart on being an overseer, he desires a noble task” (NIV). We may desire to have leadership qualities, but many people are not aware of the cost of true leadership. Like the chicken, some sacrifice may come easy. But that’s not full-fledged leadership. Leadership is more than the desire for a position; it’s a call to give ourselves up completely in order to be used by God.

Christian couples often have a sincere desire to have a strong spiritual component in their relationship. Unfortunately, that may be the very thing that is missing. Christian couples in a dating relationship need a clear definition of what Christian leadership is. Then, they need a way to get there.

What is a spiritual leader?

In his book Developing the Leader Within You, John Maxwell defines leadership as influence. In Spiritual Leadership, J. Oswald Sanders states that “true greatness, true leadership, is found in giving yourself in service to others.” While these statements are challenging, they focus on the outward expression or results of leadership rather than the heart of leadership. To gain a better idea of what a spiritual leader is at the core, we can look to Scripture for examples.

The apostle Paul is one to whom many look regarding spiritual leadership. Paul’s writing often sounds the recurring theme of the death of the individual. Paul makes this very clear in Philippians 1:19-21:

“For I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain” (NIV).

The purpose of Paul’s life was to give glory to God. Whether he physically lived or died, this was what he wanted. Sanders says that Paul was a man with a “Christ-centered ambition.” Along with this, Paul speaks in other passages about how he would “die daily.” In this death, Paul would put all of his personal interests and feelings aside in order that God’s interests would be evidenced in his life. What Paul wanted more than anything else was for people to see God when they looked at him. In order for that to happen, he had to give himself up.

Another spiritual leader who was most likely an influence on Paul before his conversion was a man by the name of Stephen. Stephen’s example is shown in Acts 6 and 7, where he was chosen to be a leader in the early church. The people chose Stephen because they saw him as being “a man full of faith and the Holy Spirit” (Acts 6:5). The words that came out of his mouth and the actions he performed all pointed toward the God who lived within him. This was certainly his desire, which we can see as he quoted Jesus’ statement on the cross at the time of his death in Acts 7:60 when he said, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them.” He lived in such a way as to show the character qualities of God in his life. The people followed him because they wanted to follow God.

In this short look at two spiritual leaders in Scripture, we can see that spiritual leadership encompasses much more than just influence and service. A spiritual leader is one whose life portrays the character of God. Paul’s life was filled with examples of the character qualities of God. Stephen was a man who was full of the Holy Spirit. This was something that was very evident to those around these men. Willingness to sacrifice, service to others, a Christ-centered focus, influencing the world for the cause of Christ: these are all expressions of the character of God.

Using Paul and Stephen as examples doesn’t mean that this description of leadership is gender-limited. Men and women alike have the responsibility to live their lives as spiritual leaders. Both should live in such a way that everything about them portrays the character of God as a testimony to those around them.

Deborah is a good example of a woman who lived for the Lord and whom others followed. She was willing to offer herself in any way to the glory of God. Deborah sang praises to God in front on the whole nation:

“On that day Deborah and Barak son of Abinoam sang this song: ‘When the princes in Israel take the lead, when the people willingly offer themselves—praise the LORD! Hear this, you kings! Listen, you rulers! I will sing to the LORD, I will sing; I will make music to the LORD, the God of Israel’” (Judges 5:1-3).

Did people follow Deborah? Definitely! She led Israel on to victory by the Lord’s hand as one of the judges, and she gave all the glory to God. There are many other examples of strong female leadership in the Bible. Men and women are called to be spiritual leaders in relationships.

Okay, you might be thinking that Paul, Stephen and Deborah don’t exactly rate highly as prime examples of romantic characters in the Bible, but in some ways, that’s my point: Dating or not, in any relationship, we want to portray the character of God.

To make this clearer, perhaps a personal example might help. I was struggling to figure out how I could truly be a spiritual leader in my relationship with my girlfriend, Cara. I talked this over with several people, but I just could not seem to be able to put my finger on the answer. One professor I spoke with said that as long as I continued to develop and concentrate on my personal relationship with God, then everything else would fall into place. Of course, this made a lot of sense, but I did not realize just how much until I was talking with Cara one night. As we walked hand in hand, she looked up and said, “You know, you never have really pushed me to do my devotions or pray or any of that. But, strangely enough, every time I get back from spending time with you, I want to pray or read the Bible.” I finally understood. I was not the reason that she felt that way; God was. By concentrating on my relationship with God and emulating him in any way I could, Cara was able to see God in my life. When I shared this with the professor who told me that to begin with, he simply asked, “Then, are you a spiritual leader?”

Two-Way Accountability

Since then, I have needed some reminding that I need to be a leader. Sometimes I have a hard time controlling myself physically in the relationship. Temptation is strong, especially when you love so deeply. Yet, even when I might begin to give in to the desire of the flesh, Cara has reminded me of our commitment to each other and to God. We had committed our lives to stay pure, even though we’ve made mistakes in the past. If Cara were not the spiritual leader that she is, we might very well fall into the same sin as many others in their physical relationship with one another. Cara was willing to take a stand, and she held me to that. She was willing to lead with God’s priorities.

A growing influence

So a spiritual leader is one whose life portrays the character of God. Like our friend the pig, we first realize that this is a commitment to give ourselves up in order that the character of God might become evident through the working of the Holy Spirit (Romans 12:1). His character will become evident as we begin to see the fruit of the Spirit maturing in our lives.

As the Spirit bears fruit, you will no longer seek to satisfy your own interest, but the interest of Christ and others. You will begin to notice how important the spiritual well-being of your friends is in your life. When you begin to live with the other person in mind and show a strong desire to follow God, the people around you—and the one you are dating, if that’s the case—will be able to see the “Christ-centered ambition” in your life.

In it for the long haul

Developing into a spiritual leader by taking on the character qualities of God in your life is a life-long task. However, God did not leave us to this task alone. Not only has he provided examples to follow in his Word, but he has given us a promise that we can take with us along the way. It’s not just a promise given to Joshua, but one that is given to us as well: “I will never leave you or forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5b).

May these words bring you confidence and peace in all your relationships. If two people are as committed to God as they are to each other, those relationships will not crumble. The presence of God’s great love and power in the relationship makes it that much harder to break.

—Andrew Hedges was born and raised in Massillon, Ohio. He is a recent graduate of Cedarville College in Cedarville, Ohio, where he received his bachelor of arts in Bible and communications.