Some of you may be where I was—you find your wounds too big, your barriers too wide, and your history too dark to ever make it with any man; because of the mistakes you’ve made you are now doomed to celibacy for life. There is no wound too big and no past too dark for God. 1 John 4:18 says that “perfect love casts out fear.” Invite him into your deepest hurts and let his perfect love replace the fear in your life. Are there wounds or memories that seem too big for God to remove, or too threatening to surrender to him? What steps are you taking toward wholeness? You may need prayer ministry or the help of a professional counselor; consider asking a trusted leader such as your staff worker for some advice or recommendations.

Journal entry: April 10

Dear God,

Just talked to Jenny today, and she said, “I think you need a church like mine. You need to go to a bigger church, one with a singles group. Doesn’t your sister’s church have a good fellowship group?” Okay, it’s crossed my mind, more than once. She’s got a point; I can count all the singles at my church on one hand!

Trusting God’s best
My friend’s advice in this journal entry sounded so innocent, and even wise. In fact, several friends have suggested the same thing. Should I have followed their advice?

Although you may not be looking for a church or fellowship based on the probability of finding a match, you may be “strategically” planning your life in hopes of finding your lifelong companion. The world and common sense seem to tell us that if we don’t take matters into our own hands we may never end up with the right person. I’m not saying you should put no effort into the area of dating. However, if you find yourself making decisions based on your quest for a mate or striving to find the man of your dreams, then you may need to shift your priorities. The question is, where is dating on your priority list? Is your desire to be married greater than your desire for God?

As I reminisce on past dating experiences, I realize how easy it is to turn to human efforts instead of relying on God’s ways. A few years ago, I was spending a significant amount of time with a friend who was at a very different place spiritually than I was. I found myself struggling to conform to his lifestyle and interests, but in the end I could not say with integrity that we were spiritually compatible. Although it is not wrong to date someone who is at a different place spiritually, it is futile to fabricate a compatibility that is non-existent, or to compromise who we really are in hopes of forcing a relationship into place. I had taken matters into my own hands. I was settling for less.

If Jesus is willing to give you his life, won’t he give you the world? Jesus says in Matthew 6:33, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (italics mine). Can you trust him to provide for your needs? Are you seeking after his kingdom first? Do you trust that he will give you all the things you need as you seek first his kingdom? God tells us in Isaiah 55 that his ways are higher than our ways. Are you trusting God to provide for you in his timing and his ways? Are your relationships being held in your hands or in God’s hands?

At times we may be unintentionally compromising who we are. In the movie Runaway Bride, the main character runs away from four marriages as she walks down the aisle. The main issue for her is that she doesn’t know who she is. As an example of this in the movie, every time she is asked how she likes her eggs cooked, she changes her answer. Her favorite eggs are always what her current fiancée likes, as she adopts all the interests and values of each man. Find out who you are. As a single woman, get to know yourself. The better you know yourself, the less likely you will compromise who you are. The more you value God’s creation in you, the more you will be true to yourself in relationships.

When we don’t know our self-worth, we tend to maneuver dysfunctional relationships into place because we don’t believe God will give us the very best. If you find yourself making excuses such as, “But maybe that’s just who he is,” then ask yourself, “Why am I with him?” Scripture tells us that God knows everything about us—our past, present, and future and that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:1, 14–16). Before we were born, God already had a plan for us. What are your passions and your gifts? Do you love the way God has made you?

Journal entry: September 15

Dear God,

I just had one of the most sobering conversations today. After my China Global Project presentation at church, this woman introduced herself and said, “When I was your age, God called me to go to China as a missionary, and then I met this man . . . I still regret it to this day for not following God’s call. So, when you talk to any of your students about dating, you can tell them a ninety-year-old woman told you this.”

Okay . . . God, I’ll do whatever you want, but please don’t send me to China (or anywhere else overseas) as a single person! Yeah, I know I’ve surrendered this to you—single or married—but you know what I want!

Trusting God’s call
Quite a few women have shared with me the same fear I shared in this journal entry: “I don’t want to go out into the mission field before I’m married because I’m scared I’ll never find someone, but what if that’s God’s will?” You may not be called to go into vocational ministry or to overseas missions, and you may not know what your calling in life is, but every Christian is called to ministry—serving God in the way he has gifted and made us—here and now. Some of us wonder if God’s calling or plans for our lives could exclude our most significant desires, including the desire to be married. Although God’s plans for us may exclude some of our biggest dreams, he isn’t out to destroy our dreams but rather to give us hope (Jeremiah 29:11).

A friend recently left for a two-year overseas missions assignment. Two weeks before he left he met a woman and, after corresponding over e-mail for several months, they began a long-distance relationship. Other missionaries and staff workers I know have found their soul mates while on the mission field. You may be thinking, this is crazy! or how often does this happen? but the truth is, God did provide for these individuals as they put their trust in him, yielding to his higher call above all else. They did not compromise or allow their interest in someone to shape their call; instead they allowed their call to shape their interest.

Paul writes about his life purpose in Philippians 3:14: “I press on toward the goal for the prize of the heavenly call of God in Christ Jesus.”

Author and speaker Tommy Nelson exhorts us to follow God’s call first and then look to see who’s running beside us; as you run the race God has before you, chances are he will provide someone who can run the race of life with you. Are your eyes focused on Jesus as you run your race or are you focused on a potential mate and other places of false security? Do you believe God has the best plan for your life?

Trusting God in the here and now
I turned twenty-nine on my last birthday (which may sound ancient to you!). Growing up, I had always thought I would be married at the magical age of twenty-three. When I look back on my naivete, I am grateful that God protected me from marriage at twenty-three—it would have been difficult to maintain a marriage with all my emotional baggage (most of which has been cleaned out by God’s grace in the last several years), not to mention that I was with the wrong person at the time! I’m also thankful that he has brought me to a place of true contentment and companionship with him—he is the only One who can and will satisfy me all the days of my life (Psalm 23). I’m thankful for the many fulfilling ministry opportunities and life experiences I’ve had as a single woman (including four short-term missions projects while on InterVarsity staff) which would have been much more difficult or even impossible as a married woman. Don’t get me wrong—I still think marriage would be a great thing! And there are days when I do wish I were married, and days when I feel extra lonely, perhaps (I hate to admit) even a little bitter on rare occasions. But on the whole, I have learned not to put life on hold but rather to strive to live life to the fullest as a single woman. Whether you’re eighteen or twenty-three, lack of contentment in the here-and-now is a sign that you may not be trusting God with his plan for your life at the moment.

Indian missionary Pandita Ramabai once wrote, “A life totally committed to God has nothing to fear, nothing to lose, nothing to regret.” Do you trust that God’s purpose and calling for your life is the best possible plan? Are you content with what he has for you at this point in time?

Finally, if you are struggling with past wounds and shame, what steps are you taking to bring those wounds to God with the help of trusted friends? Jesus said that he came so we may have life to the fullest (John 10:10). Are you living life to the fullest? Whether you’re shying away from relationships or actively in search of one, remember who is in control and who has the best intentions for your life. God is worthy of your trust and he will not disappoint you.

—Eva Liu is on InterVarsity staff at UC–San Diego, currently working with international students (something she said she'd never do, just as she said she'd never write an article like this on dating and singleness!) Some of her favorite hobbies include painting, running, traveling, cooking and trying new dishes, and experiencing new cultures.