Swiss-born psychiatrist Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has counseled hundreds of patients and their families through her research into death and dying. She described the classic pattern of the coping strategies of patients who know their diagnosis is terminal.

The first stage is denial. Upon hearing the diagnosis, the patient reacts with a shocked, "No, not me." According to Dr. Kubler-Ross, this is a healthy stage, and permits the patient and the family to develop other defenses.

Next comes anger or resentment. "Why me?" is the question asked now. "Why my child?" Blame, directed against the doctor, nurses and God often is a part of this stage. This outcry should be accepted, unjudged.

The third stage is bargaining. "Yes me, but-" "If you'll just give me five years, God, I'll . . ." This Dr. Kubler-Ross calls a period of temporary truce.

The fourth stage is depression. Now the person says, "Yes, me," with the courage to admit that it is happening; this acknowledgment brings depression. (Note: The family often goes through all the stages, along with the patient.)

Finally comes acceptance, a time of facing death calmly. This is often a difficult time for the family, since the patient tends to withdraw, to be silent.

To understand that these stages are normal is to be freed from alarm when they occur. We need not fear that a person is losing his or her faith because of anger or depression.

Amy Carmichael once said, "In acceptance lieth peace." And it is most true when the acceptance is of impending death.

What can we do during the unfolding of these successive stages? Dr. Kubler-Ross suggests that the best response is to listen, not to try to "prove" anything to the patient, but to listen.

And at times there will be nothing to listen to; we can only sit with the grieving one, lending support by our simple presence.