From Controversy to Conversation

Controversy turns up at the strangest times. Years ago, I was enjoying Christmas Eve dinner at a friend’s home, when one of the other guests began sharing his frustration towards Christians, the Church, and the faith as a whole. After ten minutes or so, he paused and looked around the table for a response.

Everyone was quiet and staring at me.

Unlike the rest of the party, he was unaware that I was a Christian university chaplain. You can imagine the widening eyes of my host and fellow guests as he called on me, “Well, what do you think?”

“It’s funny that you should ask me that…”

Conversations on Christian faith with colleagues and students can feel like that dinner party. Surprising. Awkward. Lined with frustration. Happily, in my twenty years working in student affairs I usually find dialogue around religious, secular, and spiritual identities to be the exact opposite. Intentional. Joyful. Filled with mutual curiosity.

But when my coworkers or students show pain or anger when talking about issues of faith, I’m reminded of Paul’s exhortation, “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone” (Colossians 4:6). The way we respond in that moment of tension will shape the contours of the conversation; it also has the potential to impact the trajectory of our relationship.

Take five

I’ve often found myself tempted to jump right into responding to criticisms about the faith: “Oh, you don’t really understand that part of the Bible!” “Oh, God would never do that!” “Oh, Christians aren’t like that!” Over the years, I’ve learned to step back. To get outside of my initial reaction and emotions so that I can hear the other person and offer responses that answer the core of their question or criticism.

I like to count down in these moments. Some use “5 Mississippi;” I like to count off five blessings. In any case, an intentional pause makes sure that we don’t respond in anger or exasperation. It also allows us to invite the Holy Spirit to speak through us.

Sit in their story

Another time, a colleague came to visit me in my chapel office. After several minutes of talking, he suddenly changed the subject, “You know, I don’t believe in God. It’s fine that you do, but I think it’s a fairy tale.” Externally, I looked like I was still in the conversation. Internally, I began to shut down. “Where are we going in this conversation? Why are you saying these things to me? Why bring this up in the chapel of all places?” However, as he continued to talk, I started to hear the pain of his story. The ways that Christians had hurt him and churches no longer felt safe. My frustration with him slowly turned into an empathetic curiosity. I wanted to know more about his experience. I asked questions. I listened to understand. The chapel, rather than a space to be guarded, began to feel like the perfect place to hear and process his story.

More often than not, the colleagues and students I talk with are looking for someone to listen. Many have been ignored or gaslighted by Christians when they brought up painful experiences or questions with which they’ve been struggling. Let them process. Be curious. Ask questions that show that you are listening and are willing to hear them out. Remember that student affairs is a place where we are constantly exploring questions of identity and belonging. That means that many of those in our spaces will be processing painful experiences from the Church around various identities. As Christians in student affairs, we need to be ready to listen and minister to the needs of those in our context.

Jesus didn’t shy away from calling out the ways religious leaders harmed those under their care. We should also own and repent of the ways in which our faith community has hurt our neighbors. Doing so doesn’t mean that we are abandoning the truth of the Gospel. Rather, we are affirming the righteous and just nature of God and applying His call to holiness and justice in our lives and communities.

Seek clarity and understanding

Some conversations will remain in the place of storytelling and active listening. Other times, we’ll find that there is an openness to dialogue and an exchange of ideas. Clarity is a critical component of this exchange. As a Black woman in ministry, I often get asked questions around race and gender, such as “Is Christianity a white man’s religion?” or “Is the Bible misogynistic?” Before answering questions, I first make sure that I understand the assumptions and questions behind the question. Asking someone to clarify, “What do you mean? What do you think is at stake in your question?” prevents miscommunication and gives focus to the conversation. Once we’re clear on what we both mean, we can begin to correct faulty assumptions (no, Christianity is not a white man’s religion) and exchange ideas.

In these exchanges, my goal is to understand and be understood, not to come to the same conclusions. One of my favorite campus programs I oversee is Table Manners. Our chapel partners with offices around student affairs and a variety of student organizations to host roundtable discussions on religion, politics, and other taboo topics. The goal is for attendees to better grasp other points of view. I don’t expect them to walk away in agreement. But I do hope that they leave with respect for others’ perspectives. Likewise, when we find ourselves in a controversial conversation, we need to seek mutual understanding.

Know when to hold and when to fold

Sometimes we may not have the capacity or wherewithal to address questions or critiques in the moment. We may need to sleep on the topic or let our emotions settle. We may need to spend some time thinking and processing. Oftentimes the best response is, “I don’t know. Give me some time to think on it and get back to you.” As student affairs professionals, we are student educators and self-educators. Putting pause on a conversation allows us to do our own internal work so that we can engage and model healthy dialogue.

There will also be conversations that don’t move in a healthy direction. As the great philosopher Kenny Rogers once said, you have to “know when to fold ‘em.” We may need to respectfully walk away from some discussions, especially if they are characterized by steady or escalating hostility. Not every discussion is salvageable.

Pursue relationships

Hard conversations also give us an opportunity to build new relationships. One of my go-to practices is to invite the person with whom I’m speaking to meet again over a meal or hot beverage (it’s why I keep a Keurig in my office). It tells them that I want to continue to listen, I value their ideas, and I care enough about them to give them my time.

Many of the students who step into my office to tell me their issues with Christianity, or religion in general, end up coming back because I invite them. We eat together and talk about Jesus or life or spirituality in general. They often end up contributing to the chapel through interfaith initiatives, panel conversations, and other engagements. They also become a very dear part of my life.

The same is true of coworkers. The colleague who told me that religion is nonsense became a great partner for chapel programming. Another colleague who avoided me because of my religious affiliation became a good friend after a long trip for the university. While every challenging religious dialogue may not end with friendship, the potential for bridgebuilding, partnerships, and deep friendships can motivate us to stay at the table.

Unexpected blessings

When my fellow Christmas Eve dinner guest asked for my response, I responded by saying that I heard the pain in his story. I said that I was truly sorry for what must have been a hard journey. I invited him to meet up after the holidays to talk more, since this didn’t seem like the appropriate setting for an in-depth theological and pastoral conversation. Immediately, his countenance changed. He apologized for what he said, though I wasn’t looking for an apology. This frustrated stranger became an acquaintance with whom I am glad I celebrated the birth of Christ.

We often think of conversations around controversy, especially religious controversy, as something to escape. But I’ve found that I’m often grateful for the fruit of these encounters. Not only is it an opportunity to build new relationships, but it gives me a chance to reflect on my own walk with God:

• How do I need to wrestle more deeply with the experiences my colleagues and students have had with the Church?
• How do I need to grow in listening and patience?
• How can I better “be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks [me] to give a reason for the hope that [I] have?” (1 Peter 3:15).

It also reminds me that God is good. The patience and kindness we show to others is only a fraction of the love that God shows to us. As we mourn with those who mourn, lament religious abuse, have exchanges marked by clarity, and pursue relationship, we are proclaiming God’s grace. Controversial conversations become the means by which we say with the psalmist, “Taste and see that the LORD is good.”
 

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