Being Mixed – Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

What does it mean to be mixed? I’m both white (European American) and a person of color (Mexican American). Those of us who are mixed bring together two or more ethnicities into one body. We have a unique gift of seeing the world through multiple lenses, but it often can be hard and complex. But I believe it is also a gift to steward.

 Just like everyone else, every part of me was intentionally knit together by God. He knows every single part of us, down to the number of hairs on our head. Mixed or not, we are fearfully and wonderfully made by God on purpose for a purpose.  

My Origins 

My dad is Mexican American, third generation American on his father’s side. My mom is mostly Ukrainian, but also German, Irish, and Danish or Dutch (we’re not sure which). My mom is also third generation American on her mother’s side. 

As a child, I didn’t understand my mixedness, but I did understand yummy food. Chorizo and eggs in the morning, chicken enchiladas at Christmas, homemade pierogis fried in butter and topped with sour cream, holubtsi, and kielbasa and sauerkraut. Food was the main way my family retained connection to our cultures, since our languages and customs didn’t shape my upbringing as much. I spent most of my time with mom, primarily raised with midwestern white culture.   

Not Feeling at Home

The term ni de aqui, ni de alla is a phrase many in the Latino American community say to describe how we feel neither from here, neither from there. When I learned this phrase as an adult, it resonated so much with how I always felt as both a Mexican American and as a mixed person. While there’s beauty in carrying stories of my ancestors from across the globe in my body, it’s hard to feel at home in any one place. I don’t feel fully comfortable in majority white spaces or in spaces of just people of color, even as I’ve embraced more of my identity over the years. But thankfully, this earth is not our home, as God is preparing and making a home for us (John 14:23).

In middle school, I made a friend on the school bus who was from Mexico and shared candy and stories about her family with me. Then I met a new boy in class who had moved from Mexico too. While I loved learning more about my Mexican culture from these friends, my experience wasn’t the same as theirs, and I didn’t fully fit in with them either. 

Not Feeling Enough Because of Appearance, Language, or Upbringing

I’m white passing, meaning to most people, I appear to only be white. This is one reason it took me so long to fully claim my mixedness, to fully embrace all of myself and know that God made every part of me. I thought because of my upbringing, my skin color, my mixedness, and my lack of language, I was disqualified from identifying as Mexican American. 

I saw beauty in my family members on both sides. But I felt different for not looking fully like anyone else I was related to. Like many who are mixed, I struggle with not feeling enough, even though the nations of my family origins run through my veins.

In high school, I had a Spanish teacher who planted seeds for me to embrace all of who I was. Even as a white woman herself, she celebrated Mexican and other Latino cultures, and displayed the joy of them, helping me realize I could celebrate my heritage. 

At the national LaFe conference in 2013 when I was a student, I attended a Latinidad 101 track. In this track, we explored what it means to be Latino. I remember walking into the room, seeing an interactive display filled with faces of celebrity Latinos of all skin tones. Looking around the room, I also saw every shade of skin tone you can imagine, including ones close to mine. 

Also in college, I was invited to a month-long leadership camp called InterVarsity Leadership Institute. There, I was welcomed into a lounge for students and staff of color to engage with each other. One of the Asian American staff made sure I knew they wanted me there. When I walked in, I was immediately met by students stating, “You’re Mexican, right?” To me, it was as though they were saying, You belong here.   

Choosing to Embrace All of Who We Are

Scripture tells us that every nation, tribe, and tongue, will someday surround the throne of God (Revelation 7:9-10). What a beautiful gift it is to get a glimpse of that here and now in our diverse communities. And for those who are mixed like me, we get to experience that in our very bodies! 

Choosing to embrace my Latinidad isn’t about rejecting my whiteness. It also doesn’t mean rejecting any sides of my families. While whiteness has often been used against people of color throughout history, there is still good and beauty in many aspects of my white cultures. God made them. Embracing my Latinidad and whiteness is about fully accepting how God made me. Jesus understands this as mixed himself –– a Palestinian Jew who was fully God and fully man.  

When I started college at the University of Wisconsin-Wood County/Marshfield, I met my InterVarsity staff Tara. One day at the end of freshman year, she was filling out the form InterVarsity staff use to track who is involved in our communities. I looked at the document and saw that our chapter had all white students except one. I asked who she indicated as multi-ethnic. She looked back at me a little surprised and said, “You!” I hadn’t been identified as multiethnic before, and this began a snowball of me accepting all parts of me in college. 

Doing Good for Others 

God has given me my ethnic identity to steward for his glory, my good, and the good of others. I’ve always had tensions about being white passing, not wanting to take space from others with more melanted skin. But in college, I recognized that being mixed didn’t disqualify me from serving my Latino/a community. 

As I was going through my ethnic identity journey as a student in InterVarsity, I discerned transferring to a school in a more diverse area of Wisconsin. I chose to go to the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee (UWM) and to take classes in Ethnic and International Studies. 

By my senior year, I was invited by my community’s leadership team to co-lead a LaFe small group. Feelings of not being enough trickled back in. I was so intimidated and fearful, but my friends and leaders encouraged me and said, “You’ve been talking about wanting a space specifically for Latino students since you arrived at UWM. You can do this.” God taught me so much through this experience and showed me I could lead in Latino/a spaces. It also taught me to advocate for Latinos and those who are mixed and navigating their identity. Even to this day, it’s humbling and scary if I’m honest, but I still get to serve with LaFe as I’ve come on staff with InterVarsity, including mentoring LaFe student leaders at Marquette University and serving at the LaFe24 national student conference last December. 

A Continuous Journey

Whether you’re mixed or not, we are all arriving and learning to embrace every single aspect of ourselves. This journey takes understanding yourself and being willing to be vulnerable in community. We must take time to reflect and step into the areas God is calling us to. 

God is our qualifier. He knitted us in our mother’s womb and knows every single part of us.

For more resources on mixed ethnic identity, check out Being Mixed Reflections | InterVarsity.