How Is God Present When I Can’t Feel Him? Ean’s Story

Despite growing up in a Christian home and having a parent on staff with InterVarsity, Ean entered college skeptical about faith. 

From a young age, Ean struggled with depression and numbness. On top of that, he grew up in a church that greatly emphasized feeling God and his Spirit.

But without being able to feel God himself, Ean didn’t know if he would ever be able to know Jesus the same way other people around him did. 

A Spark of Hope & Curiosity 

Ean’s audition and interview process for music theory programs across the country was competitive and hectic. So when he was accepted into the program at Arizona State University (ASU), for the first time in a long time, he began to wonder what it might look like to experience life with Jesus. 

“It felt like I could trust God,” Ean said. “It grew my faith because I had no idea how this was going to turnout, but it all ended up working.”

Soon after, an InterVarsity campus staff contacted Ean through Instagram, inviting him into the community. With his curiosity sparked, Ean filled out the contact card and began attending events.

Within the first weeks on campus, someone Ean met encouraged him to read the Bible on his own and to start in the Gospel of John. The very next day, he attended his first InterVarsity Bible study and was shocked when the leader announced that they were studying John 1. 

Maybe this is just a coincidence, Ean thought at that moment. 

Flood of Peace

Ean attended Bible studies and made friends in his InterVarsity chapter, but he still hoped for a breakthrough in his faith. When the InterVarsity chapter began inviting students to fall conference, he decided to go. 

“I think [I was] a little hopeful something could happen,” Ean said. “But honestly, I didn’t have that much hope that things would really change because they hadn’t before.” 

On the second day of fall conference, Ean was feeling frustrated, was in conflict with friends, and wasn’t in a great mood. So during the afternoon free time, he chose to spend time in the prayer room. 

Walking in, a painting depicting Moses parting the red sea caught his eye. The scene showed lots of action and chaos, but in the top corner was a beautiful sunset.

“What I got from that is there's moments of peace everywhere,” Ean said. 

The rest of the day, Ean was struck by the peace he experienced everywhere he went, a peace like nothing he’d felt before. 

Later during that night’s main session, the speaker invited students to make first-time decisions or recommitments to Jesus. Ean felt incredibly nervous, which was unusual for him, but he knew he needed to say yes and stand up.

“I started sobbing, which I hadn't done in a long time,” Ean said. “I felt a lot of those emotional barriers just break down, and the flood gates released.”

Faith Beyond Feeling

Back on campus, Ean had a new sense of fulfillment in his relationship with Jesus, peace, and a desire to take action and share God's love and peace with others, even if he didn’t feel him. He realized he could be a light for Christ in the spaces God had placed him –– from the punk metal scene and band he was a part of, to the community of other arts students –– recognizing that he wasn’t at ASU on accident. 

“[God] changed the way I see people, the way I think about them, and the way I treat them,” he said.

Ean also began to think about how to glorify God through the music he created and even started taking friends he never thought would be interested to Bible study. 

Now, Ean is a sophomore and is an apprentice in his InterVarsity chapter, training to be a leader. He also serves by running sound for their large group gathering every week. 

Though he entered college with little hope of gaining a real relationship with Jesus, Ean's experiences in InterVarsity taught him that, even if he struggles or feels numb again, faith is more than a feeling. He’s committed to Jesus, knowing he’s always with him. 

“Even when I can't feel him, or really feel anything,” Ean said. “I know [God’s] still working.” 

On campuses across the country, InterVarsity helps students like Ean develop a solid faith and lifelong pursuit of Jesus. To learn more about how you can be involved in our ministry, go here.