To Wait or To Date

I met my husband at UW-Milwaukee’s InterVarsity chapter. At that time, there was a culture of not dating. Two of the male student leaders especially were advocates for creating a culture of brothers and sisters in Christ. My now husband, Ethan, was one of them. 

These leaders would encourage each other and fellow students to have a year of intentional singleness to pursue God before considering a relationship. This promoted the idea that God should always be our number one priority. Intentional singleness could also prepare hearts for dating by focusing on the God Who is Love so we begin to learn the foundation of what love looks like and how to love a spouse as Scripture says (see Ephesians 5:25 on how a husband should love his wife).

That chapter culture ran deep, so when Ethan began pursuing me, it was an intentional (and slow) process and it was after he had finished his commitment to a year of intentional singleness. We did not begin dating until our senior year and it was through prayer and seeking the opinion of those around us that we came to the decision to date.

Whether your chapter has unofficial “dos” and “don'ts” for dating like ours did (Do: wait. Don’t: date) or there are couples dating in your chapter already, the question remains: how do you date well in college ministry? 

Prioritizing God and His Mission

God is the whole point. Many Christians glorify romantic relationships above all and this is not Scriptural. God should be our first devotion (see Paul's words about singleness and marriage in 1 Corinthians 7:6-9, 32-35).

College is a precious time, only a handful of years of great opportunity for Gospel engagement. God invites us into what He is doing on our campuses, and it would be a shame to miss out on something with eternal Kingdom value. This is not to suggest dating and the pursuit of marriage is wrong. However, God is always the main focus, whether we are single, dating, or married.

Dating can easily become a distraction from mission. Learning to find balance between ministry and other areas of our life is important. We must learn to align our lives with God's mission and calling for us in any given season. 

Setting Boundaries

If you are dating, you are not married. And there must be boundaries, both physical/sexual boundaries and spiritual/emotional boundaries, in a dating relationship. Going it alone can't be an option because when left to us, boundaries easily get crossed or slips are justified. If we date, our priority in the relationship should be about honoring God.

If you are dating, find someone (like a staff worker) to hold you accountable to boundaries and healthy relationship expectations. 

We Were Made for Community

Sometimes couples become a two-person bubble, but this is not how we are meant to live.

If you are in a relationship, you cannot thrive in a bubble with just your significant other. Just as those of us who are single need friends, mentors, leaders, those we are pouring into, so do those in romantic relationships outside of their partner. Do spend time with your significant other. Don't spend all of your time with your significant other. 

When we began dating, Ethan and I had intentional conversations around this topic. We intentionally wouldn't sit next to each other at our weekly large group gatherings, attended separate bible studies, and left space when we were with our chapter for other relationships to be prioritized, to welcome freshmen and newcomers, and to practice healthy boundaries within community. Did we do this perfectly? Of course not. But the intention was discussed because we understood the value of not closing ourselves off in a bubble. 

If you are dating someone in your college ministry, have a conversation about what it could look like to not isolate, but to prioritize the community you are currently a part of. All too soon, this season of student community life will end upon graduation. 

The Relationship Question

We used to joke among our chapter members that we were “majoring in InterVarsity”, meaning ministry was a top priority of our time on campus. Even though my relationship with Ethan was very important to me because I hoped it would continue after college (and it did, we have now been married for 9 years), our time in college was a precious and unique time for ministry. 

God should be our first love all the time. Community with our chapter is a blessing when it is prioritized. A dating relationship shouldn't interfere with God's mission on campus or take away from our time in such a unique season. You and your partner should be better together for God's Kingdom and working within His design and purposes. God desires our whole hearts and works in spectacular ways when we surrender our lives to Him, including our romantic aspirations and statuses. 

While there are a lot of good questions we can ask about dating, like “should I date this person?” or “is it okay to date in college/in my campus ministry?” The main question we should all ask ourselves regardless of our romantic relationship status is this:

How can I honor God with my time in college?