What Do We Do When We Don’t Belong?

It’s a strange thing. I’m sitting here with all these people. Some I’ve known for quite a while. It’s a beautiful day. People are talking and laughing. But I feel like I might as well be alone on a deserted island. 

From stories like the Ugly Duckling to the angst around all our first days in middle school, high school, or college –– the pain of not belonging is a familiar one for many of us. 

With physical pain, the solution is pretty straightforward. You slip. You land on your wrist. Broken bone. A + B = C. Healing takes time, but it does generally happen all on its own. But with this kind of pain, addressing the problem and healing from it seems a lot more random and complicated, like A + B = … Yahtzee! 

When I find myself feeling like I don’t belong, I’m often left feeling confused, guilty even, wondering what’s wrong with me. Externally, the moment has all the makings for a great time. So why can’t I just feel like I fit in? 

I don’t have a secret solution or easy life hack for never feeling like you don’t belong again. But here are my reflections of what we can do with these feelings of not belonging and how to find meaning behind it.

1. Pray for Help

My good friend and I have a standing joke: One of us will start venting. Then the other will ask, “Well, have you talked to Jesus about it yet?” 

So if you’re struggling with not belonging, talk to Jesus about it. It’s simple, but some of the most important, most effective things in life are simple. Ask him to help you. And keep asking. Don’t just give up after one prayer. God’s timing is not always in line with ours, but trust that his timing really is perfect.

2. Open Up

At its core, belonging is about being seen (really seen) and understood. But if we’re not willing to open up to people, we’re never going to feel like we belong. Opening up can be daunting, especially if we’ve opened up in the past only to be ignored or rejected. 

I don’t think there’s an easy way to overcome the fear of opening up again. But if we truly want to belong, we have to be courageous enough to take risks. It will be worth it when you finally do find a group where you belong! 

And even in the spaces where you don’t feel like you fit in, just voicing those thoughts can often make a huge difference and take your friendships to a deeper place. Most of the time, people don’t know that you’re feeling this way and aren’t trying to exclude you on purpose.

3. Serve 

While deeply struggling with feeling like I didn’t belong with a particular group, my friend and mentor said something I’ll never forget: I wasn’t the only one struggling with not belonging. There were likely people in that same group feeling like I did. Sensitive as I was to not belonging, I could help others who feel the same way, being intentional about including them in conversations and getting to know them.

When I’m hurting, my gut reaction is not to think about someone else’s pain. But the ironic thing is caring for others often takes away the sting of not belonging for me too.

4. Understand 

There’s something beautiful about being in a group where you belong. True, like most things, it has its dangers like group think or echo chambers. But to just be with people without having to explain yourself, pretend, or code switch, where people just get you –– that’s truly a gift.  

I think Jesus longed for this kind of relationship with his disciples. You can see it in his frustration when they just didn’t get it again and again. In Matthew 16:1-12, Jesus is trying to help people see the dangers of going along with the teachings of the Pharisees. But his disciples miss his point and instead start arguing about who forgot to pack snacks for their trip across the lake. Jesus sharply rebukes them. 

Here and other places in Scripture, you get the sense that he’s desperate for someone to understand what he’s really trying to say. I’m guessing that’s part of the reason why he withdrew by himself so often to spend time with the Father. I wonder if that’s the only relationship Jesus had where he felt like he truly belonged.

If the God of the universe felt like he didn’t belong on the very earth he created with the very people he created, we who follow him should understand that we’ll feel the same way at times.

5. Grieve

Suppressing negative emotions isn’t good for us for many reasons. It can make us feel like walking volcanoes, our unresolved negative emotions building and building till we explode. Or it can numb us, burying our hearts so deeply we feel nothing, be it joy, pain, or excitement.

Suppressing and ignoring our emotions isn’t biblical either. Listen to David in Psalm 56:8: “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” David has no qualms about admitting he’s feeling sad. Isaiah reminds us that Jesus, too, was “a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief” (Is 53:3). 

So be okay with grieving the fact that you don’t feel like you belong. If you’re not even sure how to go about acknowledging these feelings, check out the Psalms. There are many raw examples of the psalmists dealing with grief, fear, worry, betrayal, and more.

Instead of running from painful things, I’ve tried to be okay with just sitting in the pain. What can this feeling of not belonging teach us? Many things. I encourage you to sit with this question yourself. One big takeaway for me has been that this feeling like we don’t belong is actually a sign that we were meant to belong. 

Scripture reminds us that “this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come” (Heb 13:14). Let these feelings of not belonging stir in us a hunger for heaven where our desires, not just for true community but for everything, will be fully satisfied in ways we cannot even imagine. Jesus called it paradise (Lk 23:43). Let us hold onto that!