Do I Need a Significant Other to Experience Intimacy?

In college, I was desperate for friendship.

In fact, my university knew that it had a loneliness problem among commuters like me. So it created commuter cohorts to help students make friends, and I attended as many of these events as I could. I even worked with my commuter advisor to host gatherings, but no one came. I was still alone and still searching for intimate friendships.

Intimacy is a term usually reserved for romantic relationships, but at its core, it just means to know and be known, check out InterVarsity’s Ministry Playbook for more information. Our culture today confuses the intimate with the romantic, sometimes resulting in confusion between friends and often the sexualization of intimacy. But with current trends showing that Gen Z is getting married and having families later, there may be a growing hunger for intimacy beyond the romantic. That provides us with an opportunity. 

Intimacy Isn’t Just One Thing

The church has been around for hundreds of years and has practiced healthy, platonic, close relationships just as long. Paul himself testifies of such intimate relationships to the churches, writing to them, “Just as a nursing mother cares for her children, so we cared for you. Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well” (1 Thess 2:7–8), and he invites them to do the same (“Being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind” Phil 2:1-2). 

When Gen Z is looking for communities that practice this, where else would be the best place to look but among God’s people? 

Whether you’re someone looking to build community for Gen Z or you yourself are looking to grow in healthy intimacy with others, here are some different kinds of intimacy and ways  to grow them in your church or fellowship:

• Spiritual intimacy –– You can practice spiritual intimacy with others by exploring God’s Word together, sharing testimonies, worshipping God together, debriefing a sermon, or praying for each other.
• Mental intimacy –– Groups can practice mental intimacy by listening to each other, asking questions, affirming or challenging ideas and perspectives, and sharing what they’re learning.
• Emotional intimacy –– You can practice emotional intimacy by sharing family stories, being vulnerable about experiences and hopes, and practicing empathy with each other.
• Social/experiential intimacy –– This kind of intimacy can be practiced by having shared experiences together, like volunteer work, travelling and exploring, and supporting each other on projects!
• Physical intimacy –– This last kind of intimacy requires permission from others. It can be something as simple as a hug or putting a hand on someone’s shoulder.

I believe that learning and developing friendships in these kinds of intimacy can lead to a flourishing life, regardless of your relationship status! 

Discovering Intimacy in Community

At some point in my freshman year, I found my InterVarsity chapter. It was the first place in college where I felt connected to others in all these forms of intimacy. I found friends with whom I could explore the Bible, theological ideas, and life with God. We got together and shared our family backgrounds and burdens, marking a deep moment in our friendship. We even collaborated on skits for our chapter events. 

Five years later, I moved from my church friends, college friends, and family to become a campus minister in upstate New York. I was told the biggest challenge facing young staff who move away was loneliness, but fortunately, my time as a student leader in InterVarsity prepared me well. 

I prioritized finding a community – and I found three: Local ministers invited me to a prayer group, I studied Scripture and volunteered with a group of graduate students, and the pastor of my church gave me permission to initiate a young adult small group where we debriefed Sunday sermons and grieved public tragedies. 

Although I was single for all those years, those communities kept me flourishing and growing in my love for God and others. There were definitely moments where I longed for a spouse, but that longing did not define me. I was able to live in the present, loving and being loved by God and others. 

Worth the Risk

For some of us, intimacy of any kind can sound intimidating. We wonder, Will others truly accept me? Will I belong? Will I be hurt? We would rather risk being lonely than being hurt. Trust me, I’ve been there. I’ve felt what it’s like to be abandoned, disappointed, and crushed… and what I’ve found is that what I needed most in those moments is more intimacy with others, not less. 

If this describes you, then perhaps this is a chance to discover what kind of intimacy you need in your life. God made you to know and be known, to see others and be seen, to love and be loved. And the best time to begin experiencing that is now.